Now for those of you that know me, you will have come to realise that I am a very calm and patient person (stop coughing at the back!).
For those of you that don't, just go along with the fantasy I have just written about!
However, there is one very large thing that I just cannot handle. People making noise when they eat. People snapping chewing gum. People crunching crisps very loudly.
And my number one pet hate in this category is people eating apples.
There is a woman who sits opposite me at work who eats an apple every single night. Good for her, you might say, she is being all healthy. I must hasten to add, at this point, that she also eats a packet of crisps, so boo on her.
It takes this woman 25 minutes to eat one apple. And she is the noisiest eater I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. How the hell can it take 25 minutes to eat a damn apple? I hear the crunch, so tense, waiting for the next one, and just when I have relaxed, she takes another bite.
There are days I would quite happily beat her repeatedly round the head with one of my crutches.
You may, or may not, be able to tell that she is doing it now. I can understand why people go postal, as I am just about to.
If you don't hear from me for a little while, send me cakes (with files in them) courtesy of Her Majesty's prison service.